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#Imagine Luhan "Catching feelings" / Wednesday, 5 February 2014

It's already 1am. I looked at the calendar to double check the date. It's Sept 6. Yes its Sept 6 today. Tomorrow’s supposed to be our 3rd anniversary. I want to call Luhan but I'm afraid. I'm scared that he might not answer it. "What ifs" are occupying my head right now? But then what will happen if I didn't try? I think I will regret it. I might not have this chance again. Just like the first time we met. I studied at Yonsei University to learn Korean. Luhan was my classmate in the school’s Korean Language Program. He said he’s an exchange student from Beijing.

I don't know why but he said he's much fluent in English. And because our Korean language skills aren't at its finest, we became close. He was my sunbae. Luhan is college that time while I’m in high school. Our teacher always pairs him up with me because our Korean skills are the same. Because of that, we became close. We often do homeworks together and I secretly watch him play soccer. Luhan's very athletic and even before he joined EXO, lot of girls already likes him.

Until one day, I found out that he will go back to Beijing. I was so sad about the news and so I waited for Luhan after his class.
He was there. Holding his knapsack on his way out the door. I was freezing. From that moment I realized that I don't want to lose him. And that I want him more than ever.
"Xi Luhan! Sunbae!"
He looked at me with what do you want face.
"Ne?"
"Is it true that you're going back to China?"
He smiled teasingly before he answered.
"You're going to miss me?"
I blushed from extreme embarrassment so what turned to be a serious moment ended up being awkward. I ran as fast as I could. I was blushing really hard so I went straight to the loo. That night on my way home, Luhan texted. He's asking if I'm already home but since I was really ashamed of what I happened earlier, I didn't reply.
I headed straight to the dorm. After I placed my bag on the rack, I heard several noises at the living room. I went down to check what was happening and to my surprise I saw Luhan. I immediately asked what he was doing there but instead of answering my question, he went towards the place where I'm standing as he started to sing. Yes, oppa serenaded me with his own compositions. He makes his own songs. He even told me that he’s never been so serious in a girl until he met me.

That’s also the night when I said “yes” to the boy I secretly fell for whom finally confessed that he loves me too. I was startled. I wasn’t even prepared and I didn’t even know that he feels the same way to me. Maybe it’s also because he never showed it. Or it's just I don't want to assume and get disappointed.

I was in the middle of remembering the old days when Taemin suddenly called. I almost fell down the sofa because for a moment I was mute and the phone suddenly rang.
"Annyeong!"
"Taemin?"
"Luhan talked to me a while ago."
"What?"
"I should ask you that? What happened?”
"Nothing."
I lied to Taemin. I know I shouldn’t because he’s like a brother to me but I don’t want him to worry about it that much. After all, I want him to stop treating me like a young girl.
"We're here at Uniqlo Ax. EXO's about to perform tomorrow night and we just finished rehearsing."
"Help me. Please?"
The sudden rush of coldness entered my body. It was rather cold than soothing. It feels like I wanted to approach Luhan and tell him how sorry I am. And at the same time, I want to congratulate him because tomorrow, their album XOXO will finally be released.

I regret everything I did. I know I just asked for space because I was hurt. I wanted him to realize that I love him so much and this is for the best. It wasn’t supposed to end that way. It’s just; that moment all I wanted is for him to stop me. I wished he did and he said he doesn’t want to. But he didn’t. He let me go away. I still remember how I exactly felt that night. That evening I waited for 4 hours on this Chinese restaurant.

That eve, it was raining hard. I was about to make my exit when Luhan came and greeted me with a quick peck on the lips. I was shivering. We walked on our way home as he held my hands. We didn't spoke at each other until we reached my dorm. It was still raining. The droplets could be heard loudly even if we're already inside the living room. What’s supposed to be a romantic scene just like in movies felt so cold and empty.
He sits at the sofa as I grabbed two glasses of cuppa before I finally joined him on the opposite side. We're soaking wet so I took towels and handed one to him immediately.

"I'm very sorry Al. I want to apologize."

He said before he took the cuppa. I'm still looking at him. I'm not even sure what I'm going to say. All I know is that when I see Luhan, the pain just knocks me down into pieces.
"I'm sorry."

Luhan said as he flashed that aegyo look. He doesn't know how much I hated it not because he looks annoying in it but it's just he knew that I can never get upset with him after that? Maybe he's right but I think not this time.
"I need a space."

I left first and went straight in my room before I even saw his reaction. I remembered how stupid it was like walking out is the real solution. But I can't see him. I was crying hard in the sheets of my pillow. It was really wet. I didn't even sleep properly. I'm so scared that I might lose Luhan. And at the same time I wanted him to call my name and tell me that he doesn't want to lose me. Instead, he let me go. Just like that, it started the misery.

I’m about to go to Uniqlo Ax, the venue where EXO and SHINee are about to perform. I put on my pink dress that I just bought at Topshop and some make-up. I am also wearing my black heels. Luhan's gift when I turned 18 last year. I was even shocked that he really gave me this Jimmy Choo's since all I said to him is that he'll come with me when I buy it. But on the day of my birthday, exactly 12am, he came knocking at my door when I was about to sleep. I even remember that I'm wearing my pjs on and his eyes were so bright. He asked me to sit down and... He put those shoes on my feet. It made me feel like a princess. I didn't really want to accept that gift at first because it's expensive but he kept insisting that I must or he'll get sad if I didn't. I said thank you as he smiled to me. The sweetest smile I have ever seen in my entire life. It was infinite. I even remembered him calling me “Princess”.

It made me feel like I'm Cinderella and he's the prince charming. Memories really come in flashback. Maybe it's also because I'm used to the idea that oppa's always there for me. Like, he's very romantic, sweep-me off my feet type of boyfriend. Perfect. Everything you could wish for. And I'm used to the times that we keep hanging out together.

I'm now starting to think that LDR doesn't work. I mean, I always convince myself that it does. And, it's up to both of you how will you make your relationship work. That it's up to both of you how will you make your connection, your bonding and your love stay stronger and stronger. I believe we could. He promised me that we'll never leave each other. He said I that if there's someone who should break-up he wants it to be me. It's because he'd rather hurt himself than break my heart. And also because he loves me so much and he doesn't want to. I remember the last time we had a long talk before he debuted. I told him to quit being too sweet because I will miss it. And he says he'll never get tired.

So as days go by, I keep on falling in love with him even more. Though we seldom see each other after he enrolled in SM academy. I wouldn't stop him though. Even if he asked me three times if it’s fine with me that he enrolled there. But I never said “no” because I know this is what Luhan’s been dreaming of. I was really worried that time too because his training is no joke. I even see Luhan sleep at school because he’s too exhausted. It made me want to tell him to stop but at the end of the day, he’ll say lots of good things about his dreams. That made me feel that I should let him do what he wants. I’ll just be here to support him.

My friends even get jealous because my boyfriend is an SM trainee that time. When he debuted early this year that long distance relationship finally happened. One week no text from Luhan feels like a year. And at first, he could make some promises and keep it. Like, he'll call or text me whenever he can. And he'll go out with me on our monthsary and even just spend the day together is enough. The first three months after EXO debuted; we would go out on the weekends. Some days he'd just randomly text me saying how much he misses me and that he loves me so much. And he says I'd just like to remind you of that. Of course I will reply that I miss you more and I love you so much. I hope you will never forget that. Then, after MAMA was released, it started the conflict. I know that Luhan's an idol now and that he needs more time on his work. I know he enjoys what he's doing and that he really needed to focus on his work. I never get tired of loving him. Although I wanted to see him I just couldn’t do that easily. It's just even if I know it would be hard, I still wants his attention. Call me selfish but I feel so jealous.

I may look "lucky" to people who thinks dating an idol is very fascinating. But the truth is, it's not easy. Yes, he might be the bias of many. He is very good looking, talented, kind. Stuffs like that. Everyone wants him and that his fans would do anything to be with him. I'm pretty sure I'd feel the same way if he isn't my boyfriend. I mean, who wouldn't fall for oppa? Believe me, he's the best person I've ever met.

What I want to tell you is that, what will you do with your boyfriend being famous when he can't have time with you? People even judge me. I can't go out of the house without any make-up on. Everywhere I go people ask me how's Luhan and that I should tell him they said "hi". Some even act like they know Luhan more than me. They even said I date Lulu because he's from EXO. None of them had a single clue. Of course no one will think that I was the one who encouraged him to join the academy.

But I don’t care if people throw hate on me. I can take it as long as they leave oppa alone.
Because I know I love Luhan and he said he loves me too. That's all that matters.

Labels: #luhan #exo